As the Easter bank holiday approaches, people are planning their days off work. However, carers’ responsibilities continue to pile up without a break, making me realise something important: it’s easy to feel like you’re losing control.
When Life Feels ‘On Hold’: Understanding the Feeling of Being Stuck as a Carer
Have you ever felt stuck, even when you’re doing everything you can? Well, it’s not always because you’re not doing anything. Sometimes, it’s because you’re doing everything, but you still don’t have much control over what happens next.
That feeling of being stuck, suspended, and out of control can be incredibly unsettling. Recently, I had an experience that brought this into sharp focus.
Last month I took some time out of work and went on a trip abroad. But due to the escalating conflict in the Middle East, my plans went awry. I couldn’t get home as planned, so I had to wait for the travel company to arrange a safe way back. However, rather than enjoying an extended stay in the sun, I was unable to relax. I felt as though I was in limbo, not knowing what would happen.
- I wasn’t where I wanted to be.
- I was unable to work and was spending money I hadn’t banked on spending.
- I didn’t know how long it would last.
Most of all, I had no control over the situation or its outcome.
But let’s be honest, unlike my experience, for carers, that feeling of not knowing what’s coming your way next isn’t just temporary; it is a part of your everyday lives.
The Reality of Feeling Stuck as a Carer
If you are caring for someone with a serious or long-term illness, a mental health problem, frailty or disability, you may recognise this feeling.
- Life feels as though it's on hold.
- Your time doesn’t feel like your own.
- Plans are uncertain or frequently cancelled.
- There’s no clear end or resolution.
- You can’t easily change your situation.
You may also notice a tension inside.
- It’s disheartening to watch others move forward with their lives while yours feels constrained.
- You'd like things to be different—but don't know how they could be.
- You're feeling guilty for even wishing things could change.
But this is a natural reaction when things get tough, and there aren’t many things you can control.
Why Feeling ‘Out of Control’ Is So Difficult
As humans, we rely on a sense of control to feel safe. This drives us to make plans, set goals, and move forward.
When that sense of control is taken away, or significantly reduced, it can lead to feelings of :
- anxiety and restlessness
- frustration or irritability
- low mood or hopelessness
- being trapped.
And if it isn't clear when things will change, those feelings can really get to you.
The Hidden Layer: Being Misunderstood
One of the hardest parts of feeling stuck is when others don’t see it.
Just like my situation (which looked to others like an opportunity to enjoy an extended holiday) caring can sometimes be misunderstood from the outside.
- “You’re amazing for doing this”
- “You’re so strong, selfless and supportive. You give all of yourself to caring.”
- "Your [loved one] is fighting so hard. What a difference it must make to them having you there to lift their spirits."
These comments might be coming from a good place, but they can sometimes miss the mark. They don't seem to get that you may feel trapped, unsure, and emotionally drained.
Feeling unseen in this way can add another layer of isolation.
Finding Small Anchors of Control
Even if you can’t change the situation, taking small, meaningful steps can help you regain a sense of control in significant ways.
This isn’t about fixing everything. It isn’t about making everything perfect. It’s about creating little pockets of calm amidst the chaos.
Here's a few things you might want to try.
1. Focusing on What Is Within Your Control
Even when things feel out of your control, there are often small choices you can still make. For instance:
- what support you reach out for
- how you structure part of your day
- when you take a break (even briefly).
These choices are more important than they might seem.
2. Creating Gentle Structure
When life feels unpredictable, a loose structure or rhythm can help.
- A morning pause with a cup of tea.
- A short walk, or time spent outdoors, when possible.
- A consistent moment of rest in the day.
- Connecting with a friend - whether it's a quick chat or a text message.
These small routines can act as anchors.
3. Allowing Mixed Feelings
It is possible to both love the person you care for and feel frustrated or trapped.
Both these feelings can exist at the same time.
Allowing space for these complex emotions, without judgment, can really help reduce the stress we feel inside.
4. Naming the Experience
Sometimes simply acknowledging “This is hard. I feel stuck” can bring a small but meaningful sense of validation.
You are responding to a difficult reality. Not failing to deal with it.
5. Reaching Out for Support
Feeling stuck can be tough, especially when you’re alone.
Talking to someone, whether that's someone like a trusted friend or a counsellor, can help you to:
- feel heard and understood
- explore options (even small ones)
- reconnect with a sense of self beyond your caring role.
A Gentle Reframe
One of the things I noticed during my experience was this: even though I couldn’t control the situation, I could still choose how I responded to parts of it. Not perfectly. Not all the time. But in small ways. And those small ways mattered.
For carers, you might not be able to change the overall situation. But guess what? You’ve got the power to shape your day-to-day responses. By choosing how you react to each moment, you can make it feel a bit more manageable.
You Are Not Alone in This
If you're feeling stuck, it doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. It means you are in a situation that is genuinely difficult.
And even though things might not get better right away, there can still be moments of:
- support
- understanding
- small, steady changes
Even when things feel like they're all over the place.
Final Thought
Being 'stuck' is not just about circumstances. It’s about how it feels to live without a clear way forward.
If that’s where you are right now, it deserves care, compassion, and space. Including your own.
If this is how you’re feeling, you don’t have to hold it all on your own.
You can download a free handout from this page with gentle, practical steps to help you regain a sense of control in small, manageable ways.
And if you’d like more personalised support, I offer counselling for carers; a space where you can talk openly, feel understood, and begin to find a way forward at your own pace.
Support is here when you’re ready.