Understanding the emotional challenges of being a carer - from anxiety and exhaustion to guilt and loneliness

If you're caring for someone with a serious or life-limiting illness, you might be surprised by just how many different feelings show up, often all at once. And sometimes ones you never expected! There's no right or wrong way to feel. Everyone's experience is different, and all of it is valid.

What I hear from carers time and again is what a heavy burden these emotions are and how isolating they can be. So I wanted to name some of the common feelings here: not as a checklist, but as a way of saying that - if you're feeling any of this - you're not alone.

It's also worth saying that paying attention to your own feelings and taking care of yourself isn't selfish. It's what allows you to keep going, to keep showing up for the person you care about.

Shock

I know from personal experience that when you first learn that someone you love is seriously ill, it can feel somewhat unreal. You might feel numb, almost like you're watching it happen from a distance. Suddenly, you need to learn a new language, as a load of new terminology is thrown at you. And medical information might not sink in.

Your mind is trying to process something huge, so you may find it impossible to talk about, or you might find yourself unable to talk about anything else. Both reactions are completely normal. It usually gets easier with time.

Denial

You might find yourself thinking, "this can't be happening". Alternatively, you may just try to carry on as if nothing's changed. That's a natural protective response. Sometimes denial is a way of buying yourself time to adjust.

The difficulty comes if denial lasts so long that it stops you from getting support—for yourself or the person you're caring for. If weeks or months pass and you're still struggling to accept what's happening, it might help to talk to someone about it.

Fear and Anxiety

It's hard not to worry. You might feel anxious about treatment options and whether they'll work, or about what comes next. You might worry about how you'll cope, how it will affect your family, your relationships, even your work.

Anxiety doesn't just live in your head; it shows up in your body too. Muscle tension, headaches, digestive problems, breathlessness, palpitations, exhaustion, and difficulty sleeping are all common.

Worrying about the future is one of the hardest parts. It can help to focus on what you can control, to talk about how you're feeling, and to protect time for things that matter to you, even small things.

Uncertainty

Witnessing serious illness or declining health strips away our sense of control. You probably feel unsure about how you'll cope, what will happen, and what the future holds. That uncertainty can be one of the most difficult things to deal with.

When everything feels uncertain, small things can help. Try following a routine, or making small changes like adopting habits you can control (such as taking a walk each day or eating well). And focus on today rather than six months or a year from now.

Grief and Loss

You may grieve the loss of certainty, of spontaneity, of things you used to take for granted. You might be grieving for the life you had before. Or for plans that have changed and for a future that now looks different.

This is real grief, even though the person you care for is still here. Give yourself permission to feel sad about what's been lost. It takes time.

Sadness

You're watching someone you care about go through something hard, and you'd give anything for it not to be happening. So of course you feel sad.

Sadness comes and goes: some days might be better than others. Don't expect yourself to feel positive all the time; even at moments when you'd usually be happy, like celebrations and special occasions, sadness might show up.

If sadness stays for weeks and starts to affect your everyday life—if you're struggling to enjoy anything, having trouble sleeping or concentrating, feeling hopeless or helpless, or noticing changes in your appetite—you might be depressed. That's not a sign of weakness or that you're failing in some way. It's a sign you need support.

Anger

Anger is a normal reaction. You might feel angry that this is happening at all—to them, to you, to your family. You might feel angry at how much has changed. Or you might feel angry at having to cope with so much.

Sometimes anger is covering up other feelings like fear or helplessness.

If you notice yourself getting tense or snapping at people, that's a signal to step away. Taking deep breaths, going for a brisk walk, or talking to someone you trust can all help release the pressure before it builds up.

Resentment

This is a hard one to admit, but it's worth saying: you might sometimes resent the person you're caring for. You might resent that your life has shrunk, that you don't see friends or have a social life anymore, that there's no time to do the things you used to enjoy.

The person you're caring for might be irritable, withdrawn, or take their fear out on you. They might not notice everything you're doing. That hurts, and it's natural to feel resentful about it.

Understanding that they're struggling too might help, but your feelings still matter. Try not to let it build up inside of you. Talk to them when you're both having a better day, or talk to someone else about it.

Guilt

So many carers feel guilty. Guilty for finding it hard or for resenting the situation. Guilty for not doing enough or for not being able to give time to other parts of your life—your children, your partner, your work. Even guilty for being healthy.

When you feel guilty, it's tempting to hide it, which makes it harder for people to understand what you're going through. If you can, talk about it. Often, someone else can help you see that you're being far harder on yourself than you need to be.

Loneliness

Even if you're surrounded by people, you might feel alone. It can feel like no one really understands what you're dealing with day to day. People might not realise how much you're managing.

If you've stopped working or going out as much, you might miss the connections you used to have. It's okay to ask someone else to sit with the person you're caring for so you can have a break. You're allowed to need that.

Tiredness and Exhaustion

Caring is exhausting: physically and emotionally. If you're feeling tired all the time, it might be the workload, or it might be a sign of depression.

If you can, protect some time for things you enjoy, even small things. Getting out in the fresh air, spending time with someone who makes you laugh or on a hobby. And talk to someone. Carrying it all alone makes the exhaustion worse.

And Sometimes... Relief, Connection, even Joy

It's not all darkness. There are moments—maybe fleeting, maybe more—when you feel grateful to be able to care for this person. When you connect in a way you hadn't before. When something makes you both laugh.

Those moments matter too. They don't cancel out the hard feelings, and the hard feelings don't cancel them out. It's all part of the same complicated experience.

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

If you're reading this and recognising yourself, I want you to know: these feelings don't mean you're failing. They mean you're human, and you're carrying a lot.

I work with carers who often put everyone else first. Counselling offers a space that's just for you—to talk, to reflect, to feel supported at your own pace. Not to fix everything, but to have somewhere you can be honest about how hard this is.

If you're curious about whether counselling might help, I offer a free, no-pressure initial consultation. You can get in touch whenever you're ready. Find out more at: https://caringcounsellingworthing.co.uk